The conflict of Changs and the Weight Watcher

Back in my good old days of eating whatever a chose, and ending up 50 lbs overweight, I LOVED the comfort of that really full feeling. I still do. There is something about feeling so full that helps sleep, helps comfort, helps numb pain/boredom/etc. Eating and food has been a reward, a celebration, a comfort, and often a welcome break to a monotonous life. I always feel pretty good when I eat, so eating to the point of not being able to eat anymore was usually a welcome feeling.

Mind you, I did NOT eat like this every day. I became overweight going to buffets once in a while, eating out at restaurants(and finishing my plate which was something I was NOT taught to do) at least weekly, working a sit-down-job, not moving very much, taking medication that slowed my heart rate making me tired as heck that motivated me even less for exercise, the simple change in metabolism as I grew, sigh, older. Oh yea, add a few babies into the mix and I was simply doomed.

Before Kathryn was conceived, I lost my excess weight thanks to Weight Watchers, and the support of many of my friends. I really didn't think putting it back for the baby would be a big deal- I have always said a baby is worth any amount of weight- so long as he or she is healthy. Of course, I only gained 15-20 pounds with Leila and Nate. Kathryn's pregnancy gave me several health issues I hadn't had to deal with, including a quick week of bedrest. I gained almost all of the weight I just lost the previous year and half back. It was very uncomfortable for me to see these "numbers" going back up. I watched them all as they went down thinking I would never see them again. But baby making and weight loss is a big no-no, so I dealt with it. Now, I have about 30 pounds to get back to where I was before blessing #3 came into my life. I lost more than that- I can do that again- right? Yes- I CAN! And I have started on that journey, trying to do it on my own before I start shelling out $ to WW again. Thanks to my sweet friend Mandy who is on this journey with me, we are doing it together.

So, back to the *subject* of my post: Changs Mongolian Grill. Jeremy *LOVES* changs. If I want to go out to eat and we have numerous reasons not to, I can suggest there and he has no will-power to say no. With kids now, we don't go there much. Leila loves shrimp without breading, so we make her up a bowl of shrimp and noodles. She loves it. Nathan won't touch anything, so we pay for him to have a soda for dinner and little bowl of ice-cream for dessert.

We took Leila (from Belgium) there last night. Now.... being a weight watcher I have decided its totally worth any points. BUT- I am smart about it. I do one bowl full of veggies, and another bowl with lean meat a few noodles. I don't skimp on the sauce because its just too yummy. Weight Watchers is a trade off-- there is nothing I can not eat, I just need to make sure my points are worth it.

There is a conflict though. You stand in line with heaping bowls full of yummy, raw goodness. You watch as they take your yumminess and cook it on the big BBQ. You wait patiently as they cook it thoroughly anticipating the moment they scoop it onto a huge plate for you to sprinkle with sesame seeds. You then parade your plate back to your table and enjoy thoroughly.

Herein lies the conflict. Rather, herein lies MY CONFLICT: That is a lot of food. I get incredibly self-conscious standing in these little lines. What do these men cooking my food think of me? Am I eating more than the average person? Do they think I deserve to be 30 pounds overweight because of the way I am eating? What do the people in line think of me, or are they so focused on their own plates that they could care less? Why do I care what any one else thinks? Am I feeling guilty because I am indulging, even if this is perhaps the first time in days that I have indulged? All this conflict from the moment I put down my heaping bowls of raw food, to putting down a hot steaming plate of food on my table.

I get over it and eat it. Eat it all. Since my WW journey, I never go back for seconds, and I rarely have that completely over the top full feeling(just a good full feeling). I do enjoy my fortune cookie. Sometime I splurge with the ice-cream. On my way home I always examine my conflict and wonder what the heck is wrong with me? Who cares? Enjoy one night out! But its thoughts I have almost every time I go there.

I wonder if anyone else thinks that way, or if its simply my awareness my food issues. I am actually amused at the psychology of the whole eating process and laugh at myself. For if I can't laugh life is just too serious. And if I laugh, why shouldn't you?

Oh and wish me luck on my 30 pound weight loss.... I will let you know how it is going.