My headache- my silent partner

I have chronic pain. Headaches actually, but the pain is wide spread thruout my body at times. Everything hurts. Lately its been radiating down the left side of my body, even down to my ankle. I have noticed very strong correlation with stress, lack of sleep, too much junk food. I usually know my triggers. If I don't realize it, I can look back and trace back to what I did or didn't do that resulted in my pain. Just coming off of tax season I have been able to relax, and its been nice to let my body have some down time. I am hoping the pain will slow down a bit, but I have yet to see that happen.

Here is my history as if it were yours: I want you to imagine a life where you have headaches at least half of the time, if not more. These headaches can range from very mild so as you hardly notice them, to very severe- throbbing constantly, churning your stomach, sensitive to light and sound. You remember going home from school in the 6th grade due to headaches. You try to get relief with different methods. At the young age of 13, one doctor just kept upping the dosage of one medication until you became so sick from the medication that you figured that was worse than the headache itself. These actions have caused a you to avoid medications, even for good, at any cost. You try to only take medications at very last resort for the rest of your life. This experience has also caused you to be hesitant to bring up your situation to doctors the rest of your life. Your wonderful parents were very concerned. They watched the pain and were likely suffering right along with you. They sent you to Physical Therapy. Bio-Feedback. Counseling. Allergist. Even a neurologist. A CAT-scan proved your headaches were not anything serious, like life-threatening. You just needed to cope and learn to live with them.

Too much of your life was passing you by while you laid in bed, in pain. One day on the way home from 8th grade with a massive headache there were some rowdy boys on the bus. There was a discipline problem at the time and the bus driver made seating assignments. He happened to seat you next to several of these nasty boys, who were shoving and you were shoved against the window, hitting your head, making the headache even worse. By some miracle Dad and Amy happened to be waiting at the bus stop to pick you up that day, even though the walk was very short. In tears you got into the car. Dad was not as concerned(The headaches were old news and by now you have had them for years and people were getting a little bored with your drama-- they still love you, but you always have a headache... you will deal with this your entire life). But at home after you crawled into bed, in tears, because the pain is so great, your sweet sister Amy comes and checks on you. While you can't express your gratitude to her at the moment, your heart will never forget her tenderness. Your headaches have always been a silent battle that your parents have helped you fight, the sisters learned early to steer clear of their aching sister. (I am sure it was scarey for them too-- in fact until this moment I have never thought about it from their perspective.) That summer you gave up a fun week-long babysitting gig out at the John-Day Fossil Beds with a family at church because you were afraid of an attack. It seemed you would get a very bad attack once a week that required much time in bed, a blessing from Dad, and the the calm would return and you could be a teenager once again. Some travel agency sent a poster size picture of a very blue ocean. You put this up above your bed so when you laid in bed you could focus on the ocean and thing quiet relaxing thoughts. So much of what you are learning is relaxing, controlling your muscles, controlling your internal stress. So you have that figured out you think, so why do I still feel so much pain you wonder. A question that will haunt you the rest of your life.

Finally I learned to LIVE with headaches: When I started some temporary work and was still calling in sick like I stayed home from school I realized pretty quickly it wasn't acceptable to live this way in the real world. I had to get up and go no matter what my body was telling me. My body seemed to be lieing to me anyway, I hurt, but staying in bed didn't seem to be the answer, I didn't feel a whole lot better. Sure, it was nice NOT to have to do anything for a while, but when you are talking several times a week, and you are looking at paying rent and utilities, and now I have children to care for and many other responsibilities, I can't stop. I don't believe I am doing any damage by powering thru my pain. In fact, now that I am home I am finding the distraction of work and the object of getting up early and having something concrete to focus on almost made it easier to get thru the pain. So, until a doctor tells me I need to stay in bed, I won't change my ways. But, I won't go work out or do anything too crazy-- I do know my limits. I am on a daily medication that started helping in the beginning. Its been about a year and its not helping as much as when I first started, so I need to go in and adjust the dosage or get on something new, but we just switched insurance and I was using tax season as an excuse to not do much. I have this on my to-do list. And not to worry, I drink my water, stay away from the "bad food" on the lists the doctors put out, take my multi-vitamins, and a multitude of other things many well meaning friends and family suggest every time I might make mention of a headache.

Those immediately around me understand. My sweet children know about my headaches, sometimes they can't be quiet because, well, they are children. My husband is usually accommodating. By day three of a week-long headache he has usually had enough and stops helping out as much, but Hey, he helped out for three days! I think that is admirable! But sometimes he just doesn't think about the constant pain I am in, and how the inevitably makes me not a nice gal. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, however I do wish sometimes some of those around me could experience one of my headaches just to see what it was like.

I have had my prayer friends take me under their wings or wrap me in their spiritual arms for a time, and I have felt it. Most recently was during this past tax season I shared my pain with a very dear friend because I was coming very close to a breaking point, wanting and needing to completely withdraw and get on some major medication for pain. I also shared this with my sister. The night before I shared my pain, I was busy running errands. My pain was at an all-time high. I hurt every where. I took a double dose of pain medication, but was pressing on with errands(probably shouldn't have been with the double dose of pain pills, but hey, I am a busy gal! I gotta do what I gotta do!). That night in bed, the pain was so great I couldn't sleep (an aspect my darling husband doesn't understand at all, why not just sleep it off?) my mind was wandering because I felt so alone and helpless. At least the house was quiet with sleeping children and I could de-stress for a few moments on my own. My mind was heavy because at work I was worried about my sisters health(high blood pressure), and my Dad's memory issues. I laid in bed saying my prayers when my mind wandered to the girl in the bible with the "issue of blood" and all the faith she had in Jesus to be made whole again. This inspired me to actually get OUT of bed and kneel. I need to be more like this girl, show my faith in my actions and ask to be made whole. I was able to sleep. That in and of itself was a relief. Nathan joined us at some point during the night, but it didn't disturb me. I woke up still in pain, and very emotional from the pain, the stress, all my worries. I was so grateful for a full nights rest. I shared this experience with my dear friend Marcie and my sister Amy. Their prayers started working(I have feeling Marcie shared my need of prayers), and by the end of the day I was feeling pretty good. The next day too. What a miracle. A miracle of prayer. A miracle of friends. A miracle of faith. Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. -Martin Luther King Jr.

I had a major break-thru: If this pain was not from a headache and from some debilitating or life threatening disease like cancer, I would be so grateful to have time with my children, or friends, that no matter my pain, I would make the most of every single minute. So, just because the headache isn't killing me doesn't mean I shouldn't live as if today is the last day I might experience the simple goodness of my life. We never know when our last day of life will be... I don't want to waste it in my bed. I don't want to waste it complaining about my aches and pains. (Note: This doesn't mean I still won't have my days when I can't get out of bed for several hours, or won't whine for a minute or two. I am trying, I really am!) There is a good chance when you ask me how I am, if I don't answer "good" or "great" that means I am hurting. Also, if you notice I can't remember a word or two, or if my wrinkle between my eyes is a little deeper, or the color under my eyes a little darker, likely I am hurting. But play along... I don't want to dwell on my pain, I don't want you to either. I don't want my silent partner in life to win any precious minutes of my life.