Life is but a Scream!: August 2008

Am I a spoiled brat who gets everything she wants? No, by all means NO. I maybe a bit spoiled and quite used to getting my way, but I do not get everything I want. I can definitely act bratty, but its usually a conscience effort and I know I am doing it and am doing for a reason(unhappy with my situation usually).

About a year ago Jeremy and I opened up discussion on whether or not to expand our family. Things have been very tight for us financially, and our two chidlren have been, well, a bit of a handful. Jeremy was looking forward to having the children in school so I could either go back to work or go to school to get my degree so I can work at doing something I would enjoy more than that finance field. I kept thinking there is another addition in our family to be made and wasn't comfortable with either of his options. Both of these things were unsaid, we needed to seriously talk about it and make some plans.

What happened next was a deadlock of wills. Now, I am used to getting my way, but my darling husband expects to get his way. He seems all sweet and gentle and stuff, but when he decides he wants something, he wants it, and nothing will get in his way. Not even a crying, pleading wife(unless I am right and he has to compartmentalize it and think about it for a few days and will change his ways quietly once I have calmed down and usually stop caring). I figured out this aspect of him very early on in our relationship. Usually I appreciate it. In fact, I would like to see him this way more often. But it is comforitng to know that my normally easy going husband WILL stand up for what he believes in, but he has to feel strongly about it- and I, being an emotional, passionate person over my feeling for just about everything, really admires how he takes a stand, but also that WHEN he takes a stand, he means it. It gives me a lot of confidence in his decisions and desires, and if I agree with him: YAHOO!

I sincerely struggled with the thought of not having another baby. I really felt there was another spirit waiting to join our family. I knew I wanted to do it soon so if I did decide to go back to school instead of work I could do that shortly after. In my mind, the sooner the better. My timetable was way ahead of my husbands-like a full year. Jeremy asked me to consider waiting to have another until after my new career had started, but that would be years and years away and I think by then we would simply decide we were no longer in the right stage in life to add another. Plus, I worked really hard to, well, stop working. I never wanted to work after either child, I didn't even want to work while pregnant. If I had a child now I could see what life is like without the added pressure of working and balancing life. If I was starting a career I know I would have been tempted to keep at it and not stop long enough to fully appreciate my new bundle. With all that I said, I also knew I could in no way go ahead with MY decision without my husband in complete agreement. And not just: Yea, go ahead and get pregnant. But: Yes, I want this baby too. I imagined myself worrying every time my husband would raise his voice at this precious baby #3 and thinking it was not because he or she got into deep trouble, but because deep down maybe my husband didn't love it as much since he never wanted to have it in the first place. Remember, I have a very active and wild imagination.

I have two wonderful children who, while drive me crazy most of the time, fulfill me. They are sweet and loving and they are very good friends. Both are potty trained and even though we get a visitor in our bed from time to time, they sleep pretty good. I am satisfied with them. I in no way shape or form desire a child because something is missing in our home, but rather because I know the addition of another child is simply our path to take.

While thinking my husband would never be on board I really started to admire the children I have. At this point, my thinking was: This could be it. They are my life and I am OK with that. I was, and still am, ready to accept my life how it is and simply move on. But I was still sad and hurt because the word NO was the only option on this discussion. There simply was no compromise on this one(Getting a puppy didn't count, Jeremy tried that option). I could not force my sweetheart into something he didn't want. I would not leave him because we disagreed(that would have happened years and years ago-lol). But I also couldn't understand how he could not accept in his life something that was so painfully obvious in my life. I had to stop talking to him about it. I had to stop thinking about it. Denial- is it the best way to cope? Sometimes, OK usually. Let go. Big breath out. Love my husband. Love my children. Bring it up once in a while(Like when precious nephews Zachary and Conrad were born and Jeremy is loving and playing with them. Thanks sisters- you helped my family grow when your own family grew.).

I had a few friends-long distance especially-who supported me during this confusing time. While I was so sure on my decision and Jeremy was so sure on his, how could we both feel it right? When would one of us change our minds? Of course, I prayed about this a lot. I decided to really let go and turn it out of my mind I needed to completely set it aside, which in my obsessive world I do not know how to do without help from above. Around this time was our Church's General Conference, and I was able to hear Julie Beck speak on Motherhood: "Mothers Who Know"(Oct 2007). It was a talk that goes back to the basics. As mothers we are to protect and teach our children. We desire children, we love children, we know we have to uphold our beliefs and stand strong and immovable in a world that does not always support people to do so. We lead our children and we "do less", meaning we try not to let activities or hobbies take over precious time that can spent together as a family, strengthening our family unit. It reaffirmed my belief that I am my childrens first and last educator, protector, advocate and nurturer. If I can't or won't help them, no one will.

Jeremy and I both heard and listened to these words, they helped remind me of the importance of my role as: Mother. Jeremy understood and agreed with the points made in this talk. It helped us both to realize how blessed we are to have the children we have and our focus needs to be on peace and love in our home. From that point on, peace was restored and I felt confident if another child was in our future, I simply needed to keep my personal faith alive and continue down the path I have been going: Leading and loving my family, appreciating what I have. I still thought a lot about it. The confusion came and went in my insecure moments or my annoyed with husband moments. But overall I held fast to my personal feelings I would be blessed with the opportunity to have another child, and my husband would support me 110%. I also kept in my mind the option that it might not happen, and I knew if that were the case, I would be OK and fullfilled by what I already have.

Now that I am pregnant, I have to say I am content. Jeremy was as excited at me(He had is own dramatic journey that maybe one day he will let me post on this blog, but at least my own journal). This pregnancy is different from the others in the aspect it was a planned for event. I am more experienced. My children now are at an age where they can play and help and are simply not babies anymore. All four of us are welcoming this baby with such love and desire that it is really special. This baby will not know loneliness, or need, or a quiet world. This baby is being welcomed by all of us in our family that in all honestly makes me feel sorry for Leila, who only had us two, and Nathan, whose big sister was still a baby herself.

It's wonderful. A miracle, a blessing and dream come true. As I hold this life inside of me and feel my discomfort and fatigue, I smile, I am getting my baby! And I can not wait to meet this special one.