This morning found me on the floor of my closet looking at my hanging clothes. Specifically my hanging pants and jeans. I have so many jeans hanging in my closet. Jean and jeans and jeans. More jeans than a person would ever need or want. Most of these jeans don't fit. Most of the jeans that don't fit are too small. A few are too big. I have my favorites that usually hang out in a pile in my room that I reach for a semi-regular basis. I can't put my clothes in drawers because I am so overly visual that I will not remember that I have those articles of clothing and will never use them. However, since these jeans don't fit, I never use them anyway.
I will jump to another topic, seemingly unrelated, but its not, so bear with me.
I want to start over. I want to pick up and move away from all of my obligations in a new city where no one knows me or my history. I want to discover a new way of living. I want to explore something that can completely be my own. I want to be able to walk away from all expectation and ease into a whole new set of rules for myself. This is an itch I get every so often. A desire that comes from my feeling stagnant or lonely or dissatisfied or bored with life. I am not so much any of those things at the moment, however the daily struggles in life have been heavy lately. Its been a struggle to get out of bed some days and I find myself thinking of a life without the pressures of the daily grind. I think about it a lot lately.
Starting over would result in so much loss. I have friendships that have spanned 2/3rds or more of my lifetime. I have new friends that I would not trade for anything. I have my family who loves me. I have my beautiful children who rely and depend on me and bring me so much JOY. While my fantasy is to live an anonymous and new life, it is simply a fantasy.
So, as I was sitting in my closet, I began to wonder if I purged all these jeans that I was hanging onto for some unexplained reason, would this help me feel lighter? Would letting go of my physical belongings help relieve any of the unseen burden I'm carrying around on my shoulders... and heart? Besides, most of the jeans wouldn't even fit if I weighed the amount I weighed when I wore them before because of my changing skeleton.... and don't even talk about the styles... but some might be back in....
I am starting a journey to lightening my load. I am going to purge my possessions. As I do this, I will be working through issues in my mind. I hope this process will lighten the load on my heart. If it does, that will be wonderful. If it doesn't, well, at least my closet will be cleaned out.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Megan, it's so interesting to read this post because this is what I've been up to recently. I've been talking to a therapist over the last few months and she have me this as an assignment. It truly had made me feel much lighter and I actually am loving my home more because of it. I hope it gives you the same lightness and blessings.
Love you!
I read this yesterday and then again today. I found it very insightful. I can relate to everything you said. Thanks for sharing. Toni
I've felt the same way before. Actually, I'm pretty sure most of us have at some point. Life builds up a layer of inconveniences, regrets, mistakes, awkwardness, and just a general pile of things you're weary dealing with. A clean "reboot" would be a nice break and a fresh start is certainly appealing.
But, as you pointed out, life doesn't really work well that way, and the cost of losing all the really great and wonderful things mixed into the same tangle of "life stuff" is just way too high.
So we just move along making course corrections and occasionally purging things out that we are carrying around and don't really need. Thanks for posting this, these are great thoughts.
Post a Comment