I'm The Anti-Mommy

We are having a great summer-- a bit on the boring side if you ask my kids.  You see, I'm not doing the mom thing so well this summer.  Or am I?

The end of the school year I started reading friends status updates on how they had goals and activities and trips planned out for their entire summer break... I started feeling nervous and overwhelmed.  I started thinking:  Everyone else is doing it, shouldn't I be too?  I looked into swim lessons.  I read through camps that sounded like sooooo much fun for my kiddos.  I even went into a learning store to look at books to keep their skills sharp(I ended up not buying anything because I got completely overwhelmed and ended up just leaving- A very typical event for me.  I shop much better when I have someone telling me what to get or encouraging me what is a wise buy).  I did not sign up my kids for camps or lessons or anything.  We have no trips planned(Except for the big one in September).  We are just hanging out-- everyday. 

So, that leads us to today.  This is a typical morning when I am not at work: 

The big girl is playing DS.  The two littles are playing skylander. 

The kids play a lot of video games.  I don't get minecraft at all, but love that my kiddos, all three, can play together nicely.  They also watch a lot of sponge bob, which I swore I would never like, but I have actually started appreciating his humor and completely get it now.  My mommy guilt is at an all time high for the amount of "screen time" they are getting.  Had I been a responsible  Mommy and planned out their days and hours of summer, we surely would not have planned this much wasted electronics time. 

We do managed to get to the library several times a month and stock up on books.  The big kids DEVOUR their books- reading them all in the first day or two.  This makes my mommy heart proud.  I love the quiet it brings to the home, and I love that they share my love of books.  There is nothing better than getting lost in a book in my opinion. 
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My poor husband feels very neglected, so it takes a concentrated effort to make sure I am paying enough attention to him and his needs.  We've had a few date nights, with amazing babysitters from the girls I work with at chruch.  But, nothing beats the power of trading services right?  So, one night I decided to have a party-- a babysitting party.  We watched my friends children and my sister-in-laws children, so now we have TWO people indebted to us(babysitting wise) from one evening of chaos!  And honestly, it would have been chaos anyway, right?  And who could resist this adorable beautiful boy:

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As you may be tell from my non-blog-writing I have been feeling very lacking in creativity. I've not been writing in my spare time, I've not been feeling like my normal "creative" self. This overall lack of creativity got me down. It didn't help I was in a car accident and had some back pain(still do). It didn't help I've been working, and while working less hours this summer, I've been happily picking
up extra shifts, which causes more running around, more calling around to get help with babysitting. It takes a lot of effort to keep my day running it seems. So, when my day is done, I am done. I have nothing left for myself.  This has bothered me.  I didn't realize how much, until....
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On a whim(After being a bit inspired by a friends beautiful art work), I bought a little starters kit and came up with this:



My kids think I am an amazing artist.  While I know its nothing special, I enjoyed doing it and I am actually a teeny tiny bit proud.  I won't keep it on my wall.  But it is on display right now and I am happy with it.  One of my children will likely get it for their bedroom.  And I plan on doing more.  This has helped my creativity-- and in fact it jump started my writing even.  I have a concept I have been happily working on for a number of hours that I am very optimisitic will get completed!  That feels good.
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In June went to girls camp with my church girls-- I had an amazing time with "my girls" and I had even more fun with my adult friends.  We went to Camp Howard that was up by Mt. Hood, and it was simply an amazing week full of spiritual highs and lots of fun.  I felt blessed to be surrounded by so much beauty-- both in nature and in the people around me.

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We finally found a dress Kathryn will wear!  Thank you Aunt Tamara!

Brave is a very sweet movie.  I personally loved the story , and loved the fact I had my little Brave on my lap through most of it.  Kathryn simply refers to Brave as "My Movie".

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In August, Leila joined Jeremy on a Take Your Kid to Work Day!  SHE HAD A BLAST!  She came home with all sorts of Climax Machine and Tooling knowlege, and of course, Jeremy's co-workers LOVED HER!  She has had a few Girl Scout Activities, and we are going forward with another year, with me as her leader(YIKES!)!

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This summer the Portland LDS Temple opened up a Visitors Center in a small building on the temple grounds.  Its a pretty neat place- they have state of the art technology and very intereactive tools to look and learn about Jesus.  We love when you drive up you can see through the glass and see the big statue of the Christus.  Our kids loved it.  The Visitors Center is open to the public 9am-9pm, 365 days a year.  They don't even expect you to be baptized, or drink the kool-aid, if you go in.

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Nathan had to have another surgery.  His skin condition was still causing some scaring and we needed to correct some things from the last surgery.  He handled it like a pro!  I am so proud of this boy!  Now if we could just get him to loose more teeth!

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The rest of the summer is pretty much the same.  My working and taking the kids to either our dear friend Vanessa and Kaitlyns, or Grandma's.  More playing video games, more watching TV, more reading, more loving, more laughing.  I guess its not so bad to be an Anti-mommy.  I'm sure my kids are not suffering...

Purging Jeans

This morning found me on the floor of my closet looking at my hanging clothes.  Specifically my hanging pants and jeans.  I have so many jeans hanging in my closet.  Jean and jeans and jeans.  More jeans than a person would ever need or want.  Most of these jeans don't fit.  Most of the jeans that don't fit are too small.  A few are too big.  I have my favorites that usually hang out in a pile in my room that I reach for a semi-regular basis.  I can't put my clothes in drawers because I am so overly visual that I will not remember that I have those articles of clothing and will never use them.  However, since these jeans don't fit, I never use them anyway.

I will jump to another topic, seemingly unrelated, but its not, so bear with me. 

I want to start over.  I want to pick up and move away from all of my obligations in a new city where no one knows me or my history.  I want to discover a new way of living.  I want to explore something that can completely be my own.  I want to be able to walk away from all expectation and ease into a whole new set of rules for myself.  This is an itch I get every so often.  A desire that comes from my feeling stagnant or lonely or dissatisfied or bored with life.  I am not so much any of those things at the moment, however the daily struggles in life have been heavy lately.  Its been a struggle to get out of bed some days and I find myself thinking of a life without the pressures of the daily grind.  I think about it a lot lately.

Starting over would result in so much loss.  I have friendships that have spanned 2/3rds or more of my lifetime.  I have new friends that I would not trade for anything.  I have my family who loves me.  I have my beautiful children who rely and depend on me and bring me so much JOY.  While my fantasy is to live an anonymous and new life, it is simply a fantasy.

So, as I was sitting in my closet, I began to wonder if I purged all these jeans that I was hanging onto for some unexplained reason, would this help me feel lighter?  Would letting go of my physical belongings help relieve any of the unseen burden I'm carrying around on my shoulders... and heart?  Besides, most of the jeans wouldn't even fit if I weighed the amount I weighed when I wore them before because of my changing skeleton.... and don't even talk about the styles... but some might be back in....

I am starting a journey to lightening my load.  I am going to purge my possessions.  As I do this, I will be working through issues in my mind.  I hope this process will lighten the load on my heart.  If it does, that will be wonderful.  If it doesn't, well, at least my closet will be cleaned out.

Ocean in view! O! The joy!

Jeremy and I had the chance to get away for a bit last week thanks to both of our dear mothers supporting us in our desires!  10 years married seems like quite the milestone-- even more when you consider we have been together 3 more on top of that.  

We left on Monday after Sue and I had a fun time at Zumba.  Then we left her with a screaming Kathryn and a page of instructions.  I felt a little dismayed when I realized my life's work could be summarized on one page. 

We drove up to Astoria first and had lunch at our favorite place:  Wet Dog Cafe.  We walked clear down to see where the sea lions took over some docks.  Then we headed up the coast, stopped and got some snacks, red box and checked into our hotel.  We swam and hot-tubed.  We called our kids.  Life was great.  When we woke up the next morning at 8:15 we were both surprised we had slept in so very late for parents standards!

Tuesday we went to breakfast at Benson's by the Sea- they have amazing breakfast and the owner herself served us.  Then we walked over to the Free Marsh Museum where we saw all sorts of goodies and grossies.  We walked a bit on the beach and headed back to the hotel to pack up some snacks and water and went to explore Cape Disappointment.  To say we were not disappointed is the truth!  We sincerely couldn't have asked for better weather.  The hiking was wonderful and the wildlife viewing was supreme.  Back to the hotel for some swimming and hot-tubing and then we walked into town for a bite to eat.

Weds. we slept in again-- this time only until about 8, and we took our time getting ready.  We had breakfast again at Benson's.  This day we split an order of French toast-- pretty amazing stuff(We saw it on our way from the day before and knew we had to go back!!!).  Then we explore a bit more around long beach before heading back home.  We had a daughter waiting for us with hives, another one we needed to get to dance, both older kids needed homework help.  But hey-- that is just the way it is after 10 years marriage-- right?

I really think I could be an awesome photographer if I had a kick-butt camera.  Anyone feel like donating to my cause?

Long Beach, Washington
September 19-22, 2011

Happy 10th!

Happy 10th Anniversary Sweetheart! 
It hasn't always been easy, but it has always been interesting. 
I am grateful for our committment to eachother.  You have been a sweet companion and a good friend.  I am glad we are hanging on to eachother, even when there have been times it would have been easier to let go. 
I love you.

Random Thankfulness

* dimples

     *laughter with good friends

          *funny memories

                *late nights at winco

      *excuses for dressy dresses & new shoes

*snuggles

     *warm, sheet only nights

          *pandora

               *chocolate

                    *morning birds singing

*automated prescription refills

     *safe home

          *happy hearts

                *a beautiful, God-given, God-created world

Wake Up Calls

I have had a lot of wake-up calls lately.  My whole house has actually.  I am not going to share them, for fear of major judgement, but, I am hoping this means I am better prepared for the future.  I am hoping this means I will listen to that voice that tells me to MOVE and I will get up and move right away, not wait to hear it a second time.  I am hoping I have woken up and will be better at responding to my environment.

Things have been going well.  I feel like I am handling life well, and despite my various issues, I am feeling very confident in my skills as a Mother, Wife, and Friend.  But a few things here and there remind me that what I have is very special, and what I have has the potential of being fleeting.  It could all change at any moment.  I know full well that what I have is very precious and I need to cherish and value it as much as possible.

Looks Who's 35!

ME!



I FINALLY trained my husband to make me a cake- I simply have refused to make my own, which means I have gone without most of my married life(We did go out many times and the restaurants would provide me something good).  Good Job Sweetie!



 My sweet husband Jeremy did a great job taking care of me today-- he made us a big breakfast to enjoy, and my parents joined us.  My kids were very excited to sing to me.  They had a beautiful card for me.  I went shopping the night before with his blessing and a budget that was his gift for me(and I got some awesome stuff!).  I had a low-key afternoon at home with the baby while Jeremy and the kids to a movie.  Baby wouldn't nap, but I got a lot of reading in.  I started getting ready for my night out and actually did my  make up(not remembering that last time I did my full face, I figure it was for my wedding day).  We headed out to Sellwood after dropping my kids off at my nieces house to have El Salvadorian food. Then it was over to Roller Derby to watch a very exciting game(more below).  

I called my Mom for a last minute shopping trip Friday Night- and she always finds me stuff!  I spent way too much money on myself and the conflict of guilt and thrill for doing so was grand.
 But I felt pretty spiffy-- new cloths down to my toes!

A bunch of my dear friends went out to dinner with me at El Planeque in Sellwood

These are my Ladies

And the boys

Christy, Me and Melia at Roller Derby- Future Roller Queens? 

The topping on the cake, so to speak- was the Roller Derby Experience.  Jeremy and I enjoyed the movie "Whip-it" and we looked into it and found the Rose City Rollers.  Tonight, my birthday, The Guns N Rollers were playing against the High Rollers.  It was entertaining- I think I actually started understanding the game towards the end of the night.  We cheered for both teams.  It was exciting and very fast moving.  To all of you asking me if my next endeavor will be to become a Roller Queen-- I am thinking not.  I am not tough enough-- I would be apologizing to the girls I would be bumping out of the way.  And when I fell, I would probaby stay on the ground(gravity likes me).  But who knows?  Molly Mayhem might have a place?

I feel very blessed and happy that I have so very much at age 35. 

I think this year will definitely be my year!

Third Time- Tri-athlete!

Third time is the CHARM!  And definitely FUN!

My Aunt Renetta, who sucked me into all this tri-non-sense, helped her stake put on a tri-athlon for the women in her area.  There was no way I was going to miss this one!  This was a fun race.  My sister Amy and I spent the night with my dear friend Melia and three new friends from the Hillsboro area and we enjoyed each others company and enjoyed the race experience.  We had fun singing primary songs and church hymns out on the bike route as we passed the other ladies on their way back in.  The group effort at this event was unique as my other two events were very personal and solitary.

All of us felt a little insecure with our training--or lack there-of-- but we knew we wanted to complete another sprint tri-athlon and I think we are pleased with the results.  I had an especially hard week suffering from a week-long migraine and other physical pain issues.  But, recovery after this third event is definitely a lot easier than at the first one(but don't tell my husband because I am definitely using this as an excuse to lay around and not change diapers and blog). 

I have found that even though I may be carrying around extra weight and don't look or feel how I want to, that I am still capable of setting physical goals and achieving them.  I have found that despite any physical pain I am in, I am able to focus and relax and enjoy the moment at hand.  I have found that although it might not be very pleasant, the reward for endurance is sweet and gratifying.  I simply found a strength inside of me that allows me to keep going.  The power of prayer is huge, and I am grateful to have it on my side.

I think I can becomes I know I can. 

My goal is now a reality. 

I feel good about myself and my abilities. 

Thanks to my friends and my dear sweet family for supporting me and believing in me too.

9 years... but who is counting?

9 years ago today I woke up in the guest bedroom at Squirrel #1 in Sunriver, Oregon.  My mom was disappointed I didn't sleep in longer, but I was too excited about my day.  (According to today's standards, I would count that as sleeping in... but that was a different life ago, right?).  My parents, two of my sisters, two nephews and two nieces were all staying at this home.  They wandered over to the home the Conser's rented where Carl had made a grand breakfast (his specialty) and they brought me home a plate.  I wanted to wait to get ready once the photographer showed up, but I couldn't wait-- I was too excited. 

In the master bedroom my two friends joined my mom, my sisters and I and we laughed and giggled.  My very pretty feminine floral underwear showed through my very beautiful handmade(that very week by wonderful mom) ivory wedding dress.  I won't tell you if I decided to go without(although the girls in the room will remember what happened).

One sister was at home on bedrest with a niece not ready to be born yet and she listened by phone to the ceremony.  We kissed as husband and wife and then enjoyed our time with family and very close friends.  It was a special day that we will never forget.  We ate barbecued salmon, had shrimp, salad, goodies.  We had an amazing cake.

Jeremy whisked me off to a fancy hotel in Bend right on the deschutes river and was mistaken for a bell-boy when he went to get our stuff from the car.  He didn't respond very nicely, so we are sure the hotel got a little complaint about their employees rudeness.  He didn't care because they had lost his reservation and we were lucky we had a room complete with a spa bath.  Rather they were lucky, cuz we would not have been happy.

The next day we headed back to Sunriver to stay at 30 Kinglet- our family favorite- and my parents had stopped over to bring our left-over food(and cake- lots of cake!) and presents.  We snuggled under our marriage quilt my mom worked very hard on.  We had the unusual experience of being married the Saturday after the 9/11 terrorist attacks.  This made us not only more thankful for each other and for our families, but it also gave us a much needed break from the TV and Radio we had been constantly listening too since the Tuesday before. 

This year is our 9 year wedding anniversary, which is 3 days and 3 years after the anniversary of our first date(that means we have been together 12- years!  Gasp!).  We celebrated early- on Saturday- by going up to the Gorge and hiking the triple falls.  Jeremy's lovely sister was available to watch our kiddos and we enjoyed our time together.  Its amazing how a few hours away from our wonderful kiddo's can give our relationship the much needed renewal and remind us of our friendship and commitment to each other.

Here is hoping for another 9 years.  I love you Jer!

Tri-athlete- TWICE!

On July 31, 2010 I participated in the Blue Lake All Womens Tri-it Tri-athlon. My Second Triathlon was a different experience resulting in the same exciting sense of accomplishment. Overall I felt much more prepared because I knew no matter how crazy I felt inside, it would all work out OK and I would finish(rather I would not DIE on the course).

This time was different because my dear friend Melia and I committed to doing this race together over dinner one night. We quickly talked my sister Amy into joining us(She almost did the Lebanon Race with me, but wasn't quite ready- I knew she would be joining me very soon). Amy talked my Aunt Renetta into joining us even though Renetta was not OK with swimming in the Lake rather than a pool. My dear friend Vixie also participated- this was her sixth year!

We participated in the Tri-it which is 1/4 mile swim, 12.5 bike, 3.5 mile run. The difference between this and the sprint was the swimming distance only- 1/2 mile.

Having a cheering section really helped me out. Almost my entire family showed up! And my very dear friend Marcie who took my very favorite picture of all came too.

The swim was different from the pool swim at my previous race- but I enjoyed it. The water was 71 degrees and felt great(especially after standing out on the beach for half an hour waiting for our turn to go). The water was murky, so ended up swimming on my back or my side through most of the race and was pleased with my time. I was totally stressing about not having my glasses with me as I am completely blind without them. My niece Adrienne held them for me and handing them over as I came out of the water.

Vixie and I drove the bike course the week before so I had a good idea how long the trek was- and it was LONG! And there was a brutal cross wind. We biked up to Marine Drive and biked clear down past the 205 bridge, then we turned and came back. Being on a straight-away I couldn't tell how much longer it would take me to get back- but finally I made it! Only a couple of prayers were uttered on this trip. I did hoot and holler under the bridge because of the awesome echo it made! My time was almost the same as the time in my previous race- not bad for only biking twice since then!

Back to the transition area my family was greeting me with a poster and cheers! It was exactly what I needed to keep going. My legs were sore and I was pretty tired. In fact, I would have been just fine laying down in the grass and taking a little snooze. Off I went on the run- I didn't run as much of it as I wanted. I am not sure if I was a bit dehydrated at this point or not, but my calves were really tight and not wanting to work for me. The run course was beautiful. I was running with my equals- a lot of the ladies were run/walking too and it made me feel very good about my own fitness level. The path tricked me and lead me back down towards the lake and it seemed like it should have ended much sooner - in fact at one point I was running all by myself wondering if I had gotten off the path or something. It reminded me of the personal journey this has been for me. I kept on going.

Finally I get close to the finish line and see my friend Vixie and her kids waving and cheering for me, I see Melia's family cheering for me, I see Marcie cheering for me, I see my family all cheering for me. I was elated! I hear the announcer say my name, my age, my home town and I felt so HAPPY! I crossed the finish line and caught my breath before I went and collected my baby and got congratulation hugs.
I waited for my dear friends to join me at the finish line and it was sweet to see these amazing women I love accomplish so much for themselves. I admire Renetta, Melia, Amy and Vixie for sure. I am thankful for their examples to me. I am thankful to my friends and family for loving and supporting me and putting up with me.

After the race we milled around a bit at the stores, got some food for the "athletes" and checked my time. I was happy with my time. The kids played really well with their cousins. The baby was tired and ready for bed, so we headed home- and it was great to get a good shower and nap in.