Teary Moments-- Another Alzheimers Post

"Guys, we have to be extra special nice to Grandma and Grandpa tonight when we go visit them."

"Why Mom?"

"Well, its been a tough day with Grandpa's Brain Problem.  We need to love Grandma all that we can, and let Grandpa know how much we love and appreciate him.  Some day he might not remember our names so right now we need to be happy he can."

"That's OK if he forgets my name Mom.  I will always remind him what it is."

My eyes filled with tears and I told my son how much I appreciated him telling me that.

****

I have been fighting Alzheimer's with talking about it.  I talk about it all the time.  I am sure everyone is sick about my constant chatter on what a horrible disease it is and how fascinating how the brain deteriorates and how heart sick I am watching my sweet father fall from this disease.  I talk to my kids a lot about it because talking with them makes them less afraid.  Plus it feels comforting to me to give them an excuse why my Dad isn't the Grandpa I know he would have been without this disease.  Why he isn't the Grandpa to my children the way he was a Grandpa to the older grand kids in our family.  I am sad they don't know him that way. 

I think I am past the stage where I see Alzheimer's in everyone I come in contact with.  At one point I was sure my husband was showing signs.  I am pretty sure he isn't anymore(he is only 36).  I am, however, not convinced I am NOT showing signs myself(even though I am only 36).  When I can absolutely NOT remember a word I knew minutes before(Usually in a few games I have played), I get really annoyed and wonder......

I am also way past the denial stage and am into the acceptance stage and helping others stage. 

OK, so helping others is not an actual stage of grief, but thanks to my Dear Dad, I have been trained in the heart ache of loosing a loved one without the actual loss of his person.  This "stage of grief" as I like to call it has been helpful.  If a friend has questions and needs to talk about their concerns they can come to me.  Or if a care giving friend is at the end of their rope and doesn't know where to vent, but remembers I know exactly what they are going through, they can show up on my doorstep.  I am so thankful I have to the tools and understanding to be here for others.  And of course, like many of you have heard me talk about, my Dad would be proud that I have taken the experience of his issues, and used them for the good of many others.  This is what he would want.  My experience of his challenges, any challenge really, to be used for good.

I've started working in Elder Care.  Its been a blessing to help this family I am working with.  They are sweet people and I have grown to care about them a lot.  Its a nice experience to help them, and then leave the situation and come back home to my family without the emotional stress following me home.  The wife of the couple used to run an adult foster home.  She is very sharp and she has given me a lot of advice on how to deal with my Dad as well as my Mom and different techniques I can help and support them. 

Kathryn gets the pleasure of spending Wednesday mornings with her Grandma and Grandpa Frederick while I work.  I have been fortunate to bring my Dad back home with me a few Wednesdays to have some lunch, watch some Perry Mason, and spend a little more time together(OK, maybe I sleep next to him while we watch Perry and he sleeps next to me while I watch Rachel Ray, but we are still together, right?). 

This past Wednesday my Dad was very down.  I didn't know how to comfort him.  Not that it matters anyway, right?  He won't remember from moment to moment what we talked about.  But I handled it different than usual.  Each time he brought up his concerns I reminded him that he had Alzheimer's and asked him if he knew that.  He said he did know that, but I am not sure he did.  I told him that was the root of his blues for the day.  He was going through a lot of challenges. 

He said he just feels like he has no control of his life.  He feels like he can't do anything right.  He can't do anything on his own.  No matter the length of his memory, these are his current feelings.  And they are spot-on.  This is exactly what Alzheimer's has done to him.  He said he felt like he used to do so much and now he just can't do anything.  I reminded him again that this was his brain problem.  Its not his measure as a man, but rather a measure of progression of an awful disease.  To which he replied:  I hate Alzheimer's.  The rest of his visit he didn't bring up his concerns or his blues.  Maybe he forgot, maybe he got over it, maybe he moved on to the next thing in his mind to repeat over and over.  I was left thinking about his fears.  I wish I could forget them. 

At the beginning of the year we attempted to move Dad into an assisted living home.  It didn't work out for various and heartbreaking issues.  More than anything we never wanted to go there.  More than anything my Mom wants to  keep him home and care for him.  Certain issues he was dealing with at that time were corrected with some medications.  He finally got some help from a state social worker and had some headway.  It was interesting to see the support we got at this time, as well as the non-support.  People who knew nothing of our situation, but were very familiar with life with a loved one with Alzheimer's understood exactly what we were dealing with.  People who know and love Dad and didn't want to see him in a facility were not supportive at all, however, these people are not aware our concerns, his behaviors, and honestly don't spend much time with or in our current situation.  I understood their side.  Its part of the denial, anger, blaming part of grieving that I personally have gone through what feels like a dozen of times.  No matter what I was feeling, I felt that I needed to support and be strong for my Mom.  She is the only person who lives with him 24/7.  She has more challenges than any of us can ever know about.  I can't imagine the sadness she deals with on a daily basis.  Just another reason for heart break I guess.

We might be there again-- exploring our options to move Dad into a different assisted living home.  I am overwhelmed, again, with sadness.  The loss of my Father has just been excruciating.  It comes again and again and we can never close this cycle of grief.  We simply keep climbing through it over and over depending on the day, depending on the situation.

So I have to remember the words of my sweet little boy: 

"That's OK if he forgets my name Mom. I will always remind him what it is."

I will too.

You might remember my post:  http://mconser.blogspot.co.uk/2011/09/club-sandwich-generation.html

Remembering

Remembering what we were going through a year ago--- hardly seems like it happened at all.  But it was sure traumatic when it did. 

http://mconser.blogspot.com/2010/10/bilateral-ureteral-reimplantation.html

http://mconser.blogspot.com/2010/10/kathryn-surgery-pics.html

We have an ultra sound set up for the end of November.  Since Kathryn has had no issues, I fully expect them telling us how amazing she is and that we never have to see Dr. Lashly again.

Club Sandwich Generation(A post about Alzheimer's)

I have been hearing about the "Sandwich Generation" for a while now.  A generation of people who care for their aging parents while supporting their own children.  I was reading some materials online and found the term:  Club Sandwich Generation:  those in their 50s or 60s, sandwiched between aging parents, adult children and grandchildren. OR those in their 30s and 40s, with young children, aging parents and grandparents.  This feels more like me and my situation(I am only in my 30's- yo!).  Plus I like bacon, and isn't bacon usually on a club?

Today I met with a social worker at my parents home to discuss how she can lend her support to our family, give an objective point of view and provide valuable resources to us in this time of my parents needs. My family needs help to evaluate my Dad's needs and where he is at in his current and upcoming stage of Alzheimer's. My Mom needs help to understand how she can best support him. She also needs help on how to get the help she needs to keep herself healthy and strong.

I sat with my 2 1/2 year old on my lap and looked across the room at my Mom in her rocker with her cute dog on her lap, and my sweet Dad on the couch next to her silently listening.  He would catch me looking at him and wink.  It made me smile.  Made me think of some level he knew we were trying to help him.  We love him so much.  We respect him and care about him so deeply.  I think to some degree I always knew I would be happy to help with my "aging" parents.  I just never expected to be helping with them while my children are so very young still.  This wasn't supposed to happen for another 20 years. 

Of course, my dismay is nothing compared the dismay my parents must be feeling.  They had many dreams and goals for after retirement that will never be achieved.  Their hearts definitely ache more than mine.  My mom has lost a huge part of her life; she has lost her companion and the dearest friend she has ever known. 

Its been an interesting process this summer.  My Mom and I met with an estate attorney so we can make sure we have all things financial in order in the event Dad needs to go into a home sooner rather than later(as the doc seems to think he will).  This attorney gave Mom valuable information on how to set up her will and affairs.  She let us  know specifics of the Oregon laws to better protect herself and her assets so she won't be a burden on the community when Dad's monthly housing costs will be very expensive.  This attorney also gave us a referral to the social worker we met with today.

We still have so much to go through.  The road in front of us is still very rocky and hard to see.  But there are days when I feel better prepared and that can help me feel calmer.  I have to take on Alzheimer's on a day-by-day basis-- sometimes an hour-by-hour basis and remember the Man inside my Dad.  He is still there somewhere.  And he raised me to love my family and others, no matter their disabilities.

To my friends who are my parents age(And I have many of you):  Please get regular check ups.  Don't let Alzheimer's slip in before its too  late.  They have drugs that can slow and virtually stop the progression if they can catch it early enough!  They find Alzheimer's on a brain scan such as an MRI.  I have a number of resources of doctors, attorney, and now social workers that I would be happy to share.

To my friends who have parents going through this, or starting to go through this:  You are not alone.  You have the ability to be a very big support person to your parents right now.  Keep an eye on the symptoms of Alzheimer's.  (http://www.alz.org/alzheimers_disease_know_the_10_signs.asp)  And don't be afraid to voice your concerns to your parents.  Even if they get defensive, if you are doing it in love, how much can your parents really hold it against you?

To Friends of Friends who are going through this:  Just listen and love.  Even if you had a distant relative or even a grandparent, its not the same as a parent.  To loose a family member, but have to deal with them on a consistent basis in ways that are not charming or respectful, and sometimes abusive is extremely painful.  We need our friends just to love us.  You give us the strength and the fodder to keep smiling.

Swim! July 2011

The kids LOVE swim lessons this summer!  They are lucky to be in the same class, and I haven't seen them fight once... in class!

 Well, two of the kids LOVE swim.  The third wishes she was swimming too and has a rough time watching.

 We were SOOOOOOO LUCKY to have Whitney, our dear friend from church, be our kids teacher!  She rocks the house, has been to college for a year, and was a Girl Scout through her Sr. year of HS!

 OK... so life watching is better with snacks...

 And Mommy One on One Time....

 Here are my fishies!

Review (For lack of a better, more creative title)

Kathryn was sick this past week- really sick.  Several days worth of fevers.  Lots of nasal drainage.  Coughing like a chain smoker.  But, every day we said:  At least it isn't a UTI.  I wonder how long we will be grateful that her illnesses aren't because of her kidney issues.  I think I will be forever.

So her sleeping schedules were way off-- she slept whenever and where ever she felt like.  Which meant night times were tough as I slept with a feet and hands and a head in my back at various times of the night-- along with a little darling asking me for a drink throughout the night.  It also meant my days were full of cuddles and holding and not much else.  I caught her cold too and was pretty worthless around here, but managed to keep the minimum done around the house to keep things running.  I also didn't stress about what wasn't getting done.  Holding a sick child is more important than any old laundry pile or sink full of dishes.

Kathryn during a cat-nap.

Nathan came up with a new phrase:  Snug Mode.  Saturday was a gorgeous spring like day.  I spent the morning going on a walk with some dear friends, and then after baby's nap we treated ourselves to some Mexican dinner and then went to Cooper Mountain Nature Park for a walk.  Nathan's legs were breaking he was so exhausted.  He said as soon as he got home he was going to change into snug mode:  Put on his PJ's and get two blankets. 

Snug Mode

On our way to CMNP Leila started laughing-- like really from the gut laughing.  She told us she just came up with the funniest joke in her head.  I asked her to share it, but she wouldn't.  She told us if she did, we would be laughing for days and days.  She must have thought that was much too disruptive in our lives.

Super Silly Leila

I love my family-- even after exhausting weeks of sickness and the regular run-around of life.

The previous Saturday was the Chocolate Festival which I was so fortunate to be able to attend with my lovely mother and sister in law.  This is our second year attending and its a tradition I am happy to see us continue.  This year the event was so big the moved it to the convention center- and I have to say I was "Chocolated-out".  Which is not something I ever expected to happen.  I came home with goodies for my family and shot this cute video of Kathryn enjoying a chocolate covered oreo.  (Grandma Conser- you will especially enjoy this video of your chocolate loving baby)

No More Daily Doses!

At around 5 months old Miss Kathryn was put on a daily antibiotic to help her with her kidney reflux issues.  Kidney Reflux in itself is not a big deal, but when it causes infection from bacteria getting back into her kidney and growing it becomes a major deal. Especially when the kidneys are teeny tiny.  Every infection causes scaring and too much scaring will ruin these delicate organs.

Kathryn around 5 months old

Today at around 21 months old Miss Kathryn got the go ahead from her Urologist to stop all daily doses of antibiotics.  He told us we do not need to worry next time she gets a fever that it might be a UTI.  Of course, we are to keep in mind the criteria and act accordingly if there are not other symptoms, BUT she should be a normal kid now! 

Kathryn around 21 months old

 Her ultra sound was a bit traumatic for her.  She really does not like health care professionals.  She likes her urologist, but wasn't so sure she wanted him touching her scar(which he made a straight line, not a lightening bolt like Nathan suggested).  After we were out of there, she was happy.  So were we.

Good Job Baby Girl!

Unwelcome visitors

You are not invited into my home.  How dare you just show up.  And show up as a surprise.  And show up on a day when I already had so much to do and deal with.  How dare you mess with my children, mess up my clean bedding, make all our toys undesirable.  I hate you and wish there was no such thing as YOU!

Yep- we got LICE!  Lucky us.  I kept the kids home and we started treating the hair.  Nathan was lucky and we shaved his using the 1/8" setting on the clippers.  Too bad I can't even do that very well.  Made "nit-picking" much easier.  I haven't noticed any in Kathryn's hair, but might treat her anyway. 

I will say it was enjoyable to spend more than just a few minutes with my children as a captive audience.  They had to rest at my feet while I picked through their hair-- I felt like a momma monkey.  We had sweet conversations and while they wiggled a little, I enjoyed the closeness and experience.  We have had a great day- the kids are being very helpful and getting along very nicely.

If there are no living lice in the morning they can go to school.  I called the school and asked if they would be sending out a notice to the families- but no.  Apparently the Oregon Health Department has decided lice are not shared at school- contact isn't close enough.  But I seriously don't know where else they could have gotten it.  The only other kids they spend time with are the kids at church- and there is no head contact there- and their cousins, which they haven't even seen them much  lately.  Oh wait- we did do OMSI on Friday?  Maybe....  but seriously-- who cares?  So long as I kill them all. 

EEEWWW  --- DIE LICE DIE!

Third Time- Tri-athlete!

Third time is the CHARM!  And definitely FUN!

My Aunt Renetta, who sucked me into all this tri-non-sense, helped her stake put on a tri-athlon for the women in her area.  There was no way I was going to miss this one!  This was a fun race.  My sister Amy and I spent the night with my dear friend Melia and three new friends from the Hillsboro area and we enjoyed each others company and enjoyed the race experience.  We had fun singing primary songs and church hymns out on the bike route as we passed the other ladies on their way back in.  The group effort at this event was unique as my other two events were very personal and solitary.

All of us felt a little insecure with our training--or lack there-of-- but we knew we wanted to complete another sprint tri-athlon and I think we are pleased with the results.  I had an especially hard week suffering from a week-long migraine and other physical pain issues.  But, recovery after this third event is definitely a lot easier than at the first one(but don't tell my husband because I am definitely using this as an excuse to lay around and not change diapers and blog). 

I have found that even though I may be carrying around extra weight and don't look or feel how I want to, that I am still capable of setting physical goals and achieving them.  I have found that despite any physical pain I am in, I am able to focus and relax and enjoy the moment at hand.  I have found that although it might not be very pleasant, the reward for endurance is sweet and gratifying.  I simply found a strength inside of me that allows me to keep going.  The power of prayer is huge, and I am grateful to have it on my side.

I think I can becomes I know I can. 

My goal is now a reality. 

I feel good about myself and my abilities. 

Thanks to my friends and my dear sweet family for supporting me and believing in me too.

Date Set

We have a date set for Kathryn's surgery- its Oct. 25th.

Its been a very hard week to figure this out.  We have been on the fence about proceeding, or waiting.  Pros and cons with both actions.  We called the insurance and the cost is huge.  We realized the decision would be much easier if cost were no issue and decided to take that out of the equation altogether.  I have been prayerful, I have been logical, I have been thoughtful.  I have been seeking advice from those who understand medical issues, understand my concerns, understand how hard it is to be a parent.  I just wasn't sure what to do.

Then last night Kathryn came down with another UTI and the urgency to get this little girl better is all consuming.  She is hurting and miserable.  As nice as it is to cuddle my baby, its not nice knowing she is in pain and unhappy and damage could be happening to her tiny organs right now. 

So--- the date is set.  We are going to take care of you sweet baby girl.

What ya doing?

Kathryn, What ya doing?

Oh, Just running some errands.....

Kathryn turned 18 months old this month. She is on target with all the developmental milestones. My favorite one they don't ask me about is if she can jump. She can. Sort of. She squats down and then pops up on her tippy toes- her feet never really leaving the floor. But she smiles and laughs as if she jumped so high she touched the sky! (Leila jumped like this too!)

She is talking a lot. She is repeating a lot. She loves to follow and learn by example. She thinks she is a big kid and likes to be treated like a big kid. In fact, when Daddy is around she won't even sit in her high chair. That is how big she is. But she is little enough sitting on his lap taking a bit of his meal is being big enough.

Her measurements are grand: 32.5 inches tall & 26 lbs 14 oz ~ this is not our usual 90# + percentile that we are used to with our kids. Her growth has slowed down a little bit. But the doctor has assured me this is normal. I am not convinced. We took her into the urologist the beginning of the month and her left kidney is not growing like it should be. In fact, it appears to be shrinking. With her kidney reflux issues this is not OK. I haven't blogged or updated many people about this because I am dealing with a bit(actually a TON) of anxiety about the whole thing and prefer not to talk about it. I am confident in her doctors, but so very fearful of the unknown. We have another VCUG scheduled for the 26th and will discuss the results with the doctor that day and will have answers as to what the problem is and how to go forward with treatment. At this point we know very little. Hopefully we will know a lot more in a few days.

Both her pediatrician and I have decided if it were not for this darn kidney issue, she would be the worlds most perfect baby.

I love you Baby Kathryn. More than you could ever know!

Tri-athlete- TWICE!

On July 31, 2010 I participated in the Blue Lake All Womens Tri-it Tri-athlon. My Second Triathlon was a different experience resulting in the same exciting sense of accomplishment. Overall I felt much more prepared because I knew no matter how crazy I felt inside, it would all work out OK and I would finish(rather I would not DIE on the course).

This time was different because my dear friend Melia and I committed to doing this race together over dinner one night. We quickly talked my sister Amy into joining us(She almost did the Lebanon Race with me, but wasn't quite ready- I knew she would be joining me very soon). Amy talked my Aunt Renetta into joining us even though Renetta was not OK with swimming in the Lake rather than a pool. My dear friend Vixie also participated- this was her sixth year!

We participated in the Tri-it which is 1/4 mile swim, 12.5 bike, 3.5 mile run. The difference between this and the sprint was the swimming distance only- 1/2 mile.

Having a cheering section really helped me out. Almost my entire family showed up! And my very dear friend Marcie who took my very favorite picture of all came too.

The swim was different from the pool swim at my previous race- but I enjoyed it. The water was 71 degrees and felt great(especially after standing out on the beach for half an hour waiting for our turn to go). The water was murky, so ended up swimming on my back or my side through most of the race and was pleased with my time. I was totally stressing about not having my glasses with me as I am completely blind without them. My niece Adrienne held them for me and handing them over as I came out of the water.

Vixie and I drove the bike course the week before so I had a good idea how long the trek was- and it was LONG! And there was a brutal cross wind. We biked up to Marine Drive and biked clear down past the 205 bridge, then we turned and came back. Being on a straight-away I couldn't tell how much longer it would take me to get back- but finally I made it! Only a couple of prayers were uttered on this trip. I did hoot and holler under the bridge because of the awesome echo it made! My time was almost the same as the time in my previous race- not bad for only biking twice since then!

Back to the transition area my family was greeting me with a poster and cheers! It was exactly what I needed to keep going. My legs were sore and I was pretty tired. In fact, I would have been just fine laying down in the grass and taking a little snooze. Off I went on the run- I didn't run as much of it as I wanted. I am not sure if I was a bit dehydrated at this point or not, but my calves were really tight and not wanting to work for me. The run course was beautiful. I was running with my equals- a lot of the ladies were run/walking too and it made me feel very good about my own fitness level. The path tricked me and lead me back down towards the lake and it seemed like it should have ended much sooner - in fact at one point I was running all by myself wondering if I had gotten off the path or something. It reminded me of the personal journey this has been for me. I kept on going.

Finally I get close to the finish line and see my friend Vixie and her kids waving and cheering for me, I see Melia's family cheering for me, I see Marcie cheering for me, I see my family all cheering for me. I was elated! I hear the announcer say my name, my age, my home town and I felt so HAPPY! I crossed the finish line and caught my breath before I went and collected my baby and got congratulation hugs.
I waited for my dear friends to join me at the finish line and it was sweet to see these amazing women I love accomplish so much for themselves. I admire Renetta, Melia, Amy and Vixie for sure. I am thankful for their examples to me. I am thankful to my friends and family for loving and supporting me and putting up with me.

After the race we milled around a bit at the stores, got some food for the "athletes" and checked my time. I was happy with my time. The kids played really well with their cousins. The baby was tired and ready for bed, so we headed home- and it was great to get a good shower and nap in.

Run for Congo

My sister by marriage invited me to join her in the Run for Congo 5K June 26th- a cause she was very excited to support. And of course I said yes! Not only have I been enjoying my own competitive running, its even funner doing it with someone you enjoy being around.

The run was at Macleay Creek Park- in forest park- and was straight UPHILL to the halfway point. Then it was straight down hill obviously to the finish line. My thighs were killing me the next day- I guess running down a dirt/rocky trail uses different muscles than my usual route which is on a sidewalk and much more gradual hills.

The highlight of the event for me was my amazing daughter. She joined in the kids run and RAN THE WHOLE THING! I still haven't figured out how long of a run she did- but I am thinking it was around a mile. She was trailing several boys that were probably around 10. As I was running down the hill(Tamara let her sprinting genes take over and quickly out ran me- although we did stick together UP the hill) I noticed this sweet little girl heading towards me. I was so excited to see her! I asked her if she wanted to turn and go around with me, and she said no- she needed to see where this ended! A bit further down Jeremy was walking with Carina and he was stressed because Leila had gotten away from him(he really needs to take up running). But she was OK. She told me people were "talking" to her- and asked her how. She said they were saying good job and stuff. She then asked me if it was OK that they were talking to her, and I said in this situation yes, it was OK. She wouldn't want to walk off with anyone, but we were all here for an event and it was OK that they cheered her on. Nathan seeing my reaction to Leila wanted to run it- so he and I headed up the trail to find Jeremy and Carina- and there they were- so he technically crossed the finish line too.

What a fun event! Thanks for inviting us!

Goal Complete!

I DID IT! I AM AN ATHLETE- A TRI-ATHLETE!

It was fun to take part in an "event" and be part of something this big. My Aunt mentored me the whole way. After only 5 weeks of training and constantly fighting back my negative thoughts- I did it! I accomplished my goal of finishing my first tri-athlon! Thank you Renetta! I appreciate all you did for me!

We first did a 500 meter swim. I was not prepared for how crazy it would be swimming with 3 other people in my lane. I was quite slow- in fact I was the last person out of the pool. I have my suspicion that they did not correctly count my laps and I may have swam an extra lap. I was embarrassed to be the last person out of the pool- when people cheered me on I felt like it wasn't necessary and it really embarrassed me. Oh well-- I had the determination to keep on going.

I got out to the "transition" area where my aunt was almost ready to take off on her bike. I quickly dried off and started getting dress(over the top of my suit). I was feeling nervous and still embarrassed from the swim and really really behind. I did NOT think about quiting, but I was sure discouraged. I even almost missed a turn. But- something happened out on the course. I was able to relax and put aside my expectations and simply focus on the moment I was currently in. I saw little purple flowers along side the road- they made me think of my Grandma Frederick and I felt her presence as I pedaled. I was amazed at the beauty of the rolling hills. And I was super excited when I saw my Aunt Renetta across the road on her way back! It gave me enough strength to keep going- in fact I was able to pass two riders in front of me so I was no longer the last one from my wave. On my bike in, Renetta had already started her walk so I was able to yell and scream at her(in good cheering ways of course)- and that was fun!

Back to the transition area I pulled off my helmet, put on my cap, ate a power bar and took off running. A tri-athlon is seriously so fast paced I just kept going not really even thinking about it! I couldn't run the entire 5K- in fact I don't think I ran HALF of it- but I did it- and it seemed like such a small part of the event after the huge bike ride and the challenging swim that it didn't even feel like a big deal(which it is a big deal- to me anyway!) The 5K was a double loop, the first time I came around the loop, my family was just getting out of the van and heading to meet me at the finish line. What a boost it was to see them(Nathan tried to hug me). I did my final loop and I started running at the corner so I could really push myself over the finish line. I did- it was amazing! I was so excited to see my family. I was so excited to have completed such an awesome goal. How amazing is it that my body was able to do this! I am a healthy woman and it showed!

I LOVE that my family was there to support me. You guys have no idea how much I love you and our sweet little family!

The kids were waiting for me- a little bored- Nathan learned to cross his fingers!

I CAN DO THIS!

OK- So its official. Tonight I signed up for the Lebanon Sprint Triathlon. I have been committed to attending this event for several weeks now. My Aunt Renetta participated in her first triathlon - the Beaver Freezer- back in the beginning of April. It was an experience that has changed her life and resulted in much personal growth. I have always wanted to do a triathlon- she talked me into committing. I am so grateful for her support and enthusiasm.

I have been training. I am not a runner, but want to run as much of the race as I can. I have been out biking several times and am not as fast as I would like. I surprised myself by swimming tonight and actually not killing myself.

I am trying to stay positive and keep my spirits up about this whole thing.

I am struggling with strong feelings of inadequacy, fear of failure, and just plain negative "you can't do this, what are you thinking" voices in my head. This experience will be a huge confidence builder as well as a great way to get into shape and hopefully get rid of this baby weight. Plus it will be fun to be on this journey with a woman I love so much.

What do I have to do:
Swim 500 Meters
Bike 12.5 Miles
Run 3.1 Miles

YES!!!! I CAN DO THIS!!!!!!

18 days

I am not a runner

I am not a runner. I never will be a runner. I think most runners have a mental problem that causes them to run. Running is not even natural or good for the human body. The benefits of running are not a huge amount better than that of walking(which I love walking by the way).

That being said: I am starting to run.

I have been at it pretty regularly. You may remember my post about the 5K I was going to walk/run with my sister back in Feb- well I did it and enjoyed it and wished I could have run more of it. I might have been able to, except I only trained for about three days in the several weeks before the 5K.... At first when I started out I was simply walking as usual, then I would pick a landmark and try to get to it. I couldn't always make it, but it felt good. Tonight I have been able to run past my landmarks. I am not sure when I will be able to run the whole time I go out, but I am actually excited to find out(see mental problem from above).

Things I am learning from running:

• It smells good outside
• A cloudy night looks different from a clear night
• Music choice and volume make a difference
• Its important to stretch
• I feel really cool running down a hill(and its easier than running up it)
• I am very self-conscious while running and pray no-one ever tells me the saw me huffing and puffing
• I might be a runner yet!

I am toying with the idea of entering into several races- my sister has been toying with the idea of contracting a mental illness like myself and has sent me several very cool websites.

http://www.mapmyrun.com/

http://www.orrc.net/

http://www.c25k.com/

I am starting out slow with my health and weight my main motivator. Who knows where it will lead.

More to come....